


Every thought of it

by Tuii



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Du Er Ikke Alene, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-10
Updated: 2019-09-10
Packaged: 2020-10-14 03:48:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20594189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tuii/pseuds/Tuii
Summary: “It’s Even. Something’s not fine with him. And I don’t know what to do.” Isak says, shyly because this is still, after all the years together with Even and all the years knowing Jonas, something he doesn’t feel comfortable talking about.





	Every thought of it

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Laika_the_husband (Laika_the_wife)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laika_the_wife/gifts).

It’s not just that you are too tired to do anything else than sleep or lay in bed. Yes, sometimes it is just that. You have absolutely no energy to anything, even breathing is hard and takes almost too much energy. Luckily that is something that your body does anyway, automatic, because otherwise it might be not done. But depression can manifest in many ways.

Sometimes he smiles and laughs like everyone else does. Those who don’t know him as well as Isak does, might never notice that something is wrong. That the smile doesn’t reach his soul, neither does the laughter. He knows that this is something he can’t hide from Isak, and that it’s something he shouldn’t hide, but still he wants to. Like today, he seems to be having a good time at the party they’re currently at. He and Mags had this amazing idea to try to reach the ceiling without any furniture to climb on, and this is probably going to end with one of them breaking something, hopefully not themselves. He knows that Isak is looking at him from the other side of the room where he is sitting with Jonas. 

Jonas picks up that something is not right with Isak, so he asks what’s going on. Jonas knows his best friend too well, he knows what that frown on his face means. So when Isak first says that nothing is wrong, that everything is fine and so on, he waits a moment and asks again. Because he knows that something is going on. Although they’ve been friends most of their lives, it is still hard for Isak to tell Jonas what is going on. That Even is not fine. 

“It’s Even. Something’s not fine with him. And I don’t know what to do.” Isak says, shyly because this is still, after all the years together with Even and all the years knowing Jonas, something he doesn’t feel comfortable talking about. About Even’s illness and how Isak can’t do anything concrete to help his man. Jonas looks at Isak with a puzzled face, then turns his head ce so he can see Even and Magnus, who are doing who knows what on the other side of the room and giggle like little boys. 

“That same man who is there with Mags? Trying to reach the ceiling without any furniture? And laughing his ass off?” Jonas points at the said idiots, which makes Isak smile. Yes, his man is an idiot, has always been and will always be. And that’s one of the best sides of Even. One of the things he loves so much. Not that he doesn’t love everything about his man, because he does. In a very weird way he has learned to love the side of a bipolar disorder patient as well, with years and years of practice. Isak sighs, trying to decide what to tell Jonas. He knows that Jonas won’t let this pass, that he needs to tell him what is going on, or give him a clever, credible lie, but he doesn’t know if he can up with any at this minute. So Isak decides to go with the truth, it’s easier.

“Yes, that same man. I know he doesn’t look like it, but he has been depressed for a while now. And it’s bad. I’m totally lost, and I don’t know what to do. I know that this is not our first time in this rodeo, but for some reason I’m now totally lost. I have no idea how to help him, but that’s all I want to do. I want to make him feel better.” Isak says as he looks down, at his hands. His voice is still shy and weak, this conversation is something he would rather avoid if possible, but here he is now, having it.

“But he seems just fine? Or what am I missing?” Jonas looks puzzled. 

“Yes, he does. He laughs, he tells stupid jokes, sends me stupid memes. But there is no spark in his smile, and that laughter doesn’t come from his belly like it usually does. He doesn’t eat, he would like to sleep for the most of the day. So it is bad.” 

“Oh.” 

“We talk, we have sex and it’s good, and we laugh, but something is missing, and I’m scared.” The way Isak looks at Jonas makes Jonas scared, and he hugs Isak. During the years Evak has been together, the squad has been through this multiple times already.

“Let’s go outside, it’s easier to breathe out there and I think you need that now.” Jonas says and stands up. Isak sighs in relief, he really needs this but wasn’t able to ask for it. Not even from Jonas, who he knows is always there for him, no matter what. 

When Even sees Jonas and Isak sneaking outside, it hurts. Because he can’t handle the sadness in Isak’s eyes when he comes clean and tells Isak how he really is feeling. He hates that look, that sorrow and worry. He doesn’t want his husband to have to go through that with him, not again, not for the hundredth time. It even doesn’t help that he knows there is nowhere Isak would love to be more than beside him, despite how he is feeling. He tries to hide the pain, he knows that Mags can pick it up, but he doesn’t want that now, he doesn’t want to talk about this, and thank god, Mags seems to notice that as well and doesn’t push him. 

Isak and Jonas find a place to sit and Jonas just waits. He knows that Isak will talk to him when he is ready. That asking or pushing won’t help at all. 

“It’s so hard to see him like that. Somehow it is harder for him when he is going through a depressive episode than when he is manic. When he is down, he has a habit to overanalyze everything. Literally everything. Which naturally leads into situations where he is wrong and gets anxious over nothing. His mind gets all worked up about things that are not as big as he thinks they are. Forgetting to buy toilet paper is not the end of the world, no matter how hard his mind tries to convince him about it. Spilling coffee on the table is not going to ruin the table forever. And I’m not going to be angry at him because of these mundane things. Yes, I might be a bit upset if there is no toilet paper in the house, but I am perfectly capable of buying it myself as well.” Isak talks in a low voice, voice filled with pain and hurt.

Jonas just listens. This is nothing new to him, not after all these years. And it hurts him because Isak is his bro, his best friend, he was his best man at their wedding. He wants Isak to have it easier than this. And of course it hurts also that Even is not well, he has learned to love that idiot as a friend. It is horrible to see the pain in his eyes. The same pain that he sees in Isak’s eyes but with a slightly different shade. He doesn’t say a word, it seems that Isak just wants to talk, not to get advice. 

“You know. During these years his depression has taken many forms. It has tried to kill him, but it’s also been somewhat a loyal companion, always in the background. In a way it’s safe. We know it well by now. Even knows he will never live without it and so do I, that it will always be by his side, in one way or another. That it will keep him from enjoying things and it will make him want to die, it will make him want to crawl under the table and stay there for days. It will keep him from smiling, laughing, sniffing at the way his man smells when he is just out of the shower. It will try to break him, it tries, but it won’t succeed because he has me. And meds. And his therapist and his family. Because he is not alone. Because although the depression tries to break him, he still knows that he will make it. There will be moments when he doesn’t believe that, but those will pass. But as much as I try to stand beside him, it doesn’t always help at all.” 

For a moment both Isak and Jonas are quiet, the words just said are eating the space between them and neither of them knows what to say, what to do next.

“When the depression hits, it hits the soft points. Like his love for food. He doesn’t want to eat anything. And that is something that makes him nervous, and he knows that I hate it as well. He is not the nicest person when he is hungry, you know that. And he does get hungry, though he doesn’t want to eat. Trying to make sure that there is always something in the fridge that he eats is not always easy. Brie, chocolate pudding, berries, smoothies. Baby food, those fruit mushes, are something he now likes. Yes, it feels stupid to buy them, as we could just buy the fruits and make the mushes ourselves, but we all know that would never happen. So baby food it is. But if he eats brie today, tomorrow it can be a total no-no.” Isak sighs. Jonas hugs him again, he doesn’t have words that would make this better. 

They both get a bit startled when they hear a shy, low voice behind them speaking.

“Depression eats you up from the inside. It takes your pleasure from you. It hides the true you and puts a shadow in your place.” They both turned around, expecting to see Even, but it’s Noora. Who is gone before neither of them figure out what to say, how to react. They just look at each other and Jonas shakes his head slightly. 

“I sometimes wish this squad would have it a bit easier. But Isak, remember, you’re not alone.”

**Author's Note:**

> I must say that my husband is the reason my fics are readible, he does an amazing job being my beta. Thank you honey <3


End file.
